Head spinning a hundred miles per minute, body feeling like its being pulled in every known direction. What do you do when you feel like this? Like at any moment you could shatter into a million pieces. It seems as if my brain has imploded and all that's left is a shadow of what was. My days are filled with me aimlessly walking about, forgetting simple things. To eat, take a shower, grab my car keys, turn off the stove, etc. I find myself driving in the wrong direction to the store, and once I get there it takes all effort to remember why I went there in the first place. Oh and don't even get me started on my not so graceful accomplishment of running into racks, shelves, and anything else in my path.
Grief has it's way of doing this to me. Every morning I wake up and step onto this cloud. A cloud that covers my face, keeping me from seeing my path clearly. It seeps into my head fogging all my thoughts, making it impossible to carry out a conversation. In addition to my hazy days, my heart aches with this deep longing for my sweet Evie loves. A piece of me is missing that I can not get back, I will never get back. It seem as though all day long my soul is searching for something I can't have, but I desperately want. I WANT HER. How do I even begin to imagine what tomorrow will be like without her, better yet years from now. So many dreams I have to let go of. No middle of the night feedings, no first words, no first foods, no first bike ride or swim lessons, no first day of school, no first driving lesson, no watching her dad give her away at her wedding. All this I have to let go of and yet she was with me for just the blink of an eye.
“When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, LORD, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple.
“Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the LORD.’”
And he is who I will cling to in these moments and all the days to come. How could I get through this barren waste land of death and grief without him? All salvation comes from him, what more do I need! I am lost, alone, heartbroken and weary but yet he is here to save me. To rescue me from my emotions destroying my inner being. I lift my eyes up and call to the one true God for my help comes only from him. Oh God, save me....save me.