Before this day comes to an end, I desperately need to write down what I'm feeling inside. Today has been a whirlwind of events and emotions and I feel like I've been tossed in the storm.
Church was moving as it's expected to be once you've lost a baby, none the less your second baby. The topic today (and last Sunday for that matter)? Heaven. The preacher talked about how we need to be ever thankful of the present but looking forward to the eternal. He talked about how the enemy's desire is to distract us from these things by striking us with fear. Fear of the unknown future, fear of the past, fear of things we can't control. I almost felt like God was taking to me in that moment. I had prayed to him in hushed words days after giving birth to Evelyn. I fear this is the end, I fear I will never bring home another baby. I fear I will never be a mommy to a baby girl on earth. I fear my son will never have a sibling. I fear my husband will leave me because I can't carry his children. I FEAR, I FEAR, I FEAR. But God has revealed so many things to me in this seemingly small day.
I'm homesick, longing for your salvation; I'm waiting for your word of hope. My eyes grow heavy watching for some sign of your promise; There's smoke in my eyes, they burn and water, but I keep a steady gaze on the instructions you post.
Psalm 119:81-83 (The Message)
After the service I waited patiently in the lobby while my husband parked cars. I stood with my son by the coffee creamers, fake smile plastered to my face, lost in my thoughts. I wondered if people could see, I mean really see me. Could they look at my face and see "I gave birth to my lifeless daughter two weeks ago and my heart is breaking inside" Could they sense her death in a simple stare? The answer to this became obvious as a mother (whom I knew from watching her daughter in the nursery) came bouncing joyfully up to me. She scanned my flat tummy, then my face. "Oh look, you....and then her voice trailed off as she watched my fake smile go to undeniable pain. I muttered the best way I knew how "She passed away 3 days before she was born". Ouch. I started to shake and cry. I was half angry and half sad. Angry I didn't have a different response for her. Why couldn't I be saying "Oh yes! I had a girl, she is in the nursery" or "She is with her daddy who is very excited right now" or even "She was born a little early and is in the NICU, we are headed to see her now and can't wait to bring her home" But no I couldn't give her any of these answers. I left church with my head spinning, stomach twisted and a knot in my throat. I can close my eyes at this very moment and envision her face. The moment from complete joy to shock and sorrow. It reminded me of my face the day I discovered Evelyn was no more on this earth.
God knows I need him, here and now. In this moment he is here with me as I weep. I cried out to him when I got home. Why God? Why? You know I wanted her. You know I wanted to keep my baby girl. Just TELL ME who I have to be to deserve having a baby on earth. What do I have to do? Tell Evie I miss her and that mommy loves her so much. I know she is happy where she is. I have no doubt of that. But tell her I would go to the ends of the earth to have her here with me. I love her, I wont forget.
I don't know what the next step is in my life. I don't have a clue where to go. But God reminded me today that I simply need to look to him and scan the horizon for his instructions. As much as I hate not being in control, it feels good to know the I AM of all creation is walking with me on this journey and ultimately knitting together my future in the midst of my grief. I am overwhelmed with knowing that he is a God who cares, who loves, who protects. What a bittersweet day
Those days are so hard, my friend. You know there will be plenty more and you're in my prayers that you feel His loving arms around you when you feel like you can't carry the load anymore.
ReplyDeleteThere is one pic of you and Erik talking while you're in the waterbirth tub that shows the love between you. You both have a smile on your face, despite what's going on that day. You can tell that you guys really, really love each other. I don't think he'll leave you because of Lainey and Evelyn. I don't know your hubby but I know that he must be awesome to have a wife like you! xoxo
I just wanted to let you know I visited. I also have two babies in Heaven and I know how bittersweet those first few times at church can be. Prayers for you as you are on this journey. I did a lot of screaming to God (and still do sometimes). He hears you, just sometimes we are so overcome with grief we can't hear him...sometimes, I don't know if we will ever know on this earth the answers to our questions. I just want to reach through the screen and give you a big hug right now, but I guess one of these will have to do (((hugs))).
ReplyDeleteChelsea... so many comments I could make. I want to comment on the sermons about Heaven (they seem so different... so much more real after losing a baby), the bittersweet nature of it all (which is the topic of my last entry), and most of all, about trusting that God is a loving God who has incredible plans for us, even in our pain. Some days are just filled with unexpected and painful reminders... it's such a strange mix of emotions. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI am visiting because Jen told us about your losses...I know where you are coming from I have three babies in heaven...praying for peace that only Jesus can give you and your family.(((hugs)))
I think it would be hard to know where to go from here after losing your second baby. I'm sure God knows exactly where you need to be and He will take you there if you take His hand. I'm so sorry you have had to endure the loss of 2 of your precious children. My prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteyou and your faith are so strong. When we lost our first daughter, I was devastated but I was able to hold fast to Christ. When we lost our second daughter I cracked. I felt betrayed and lost. It has taken a year and a half to get my relationship with Christ back. And it's been a upward struggle. I just felt so cheated and hurt. I commend you for being so strong. You're an amazing woman. Hold fast to His love and strength.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about Evie. You are very strong in your faith and that is very honorable. I struggled with my faith, as I'm sure you do too, but couldn't remain steadfast as you are. I wish I could take your pain away....you don't deserve this. Your outlook...your gratefulness...is amazing. Your sweet children are all very lucky to have you as their mommy. You will find your comfort in your friends on this blog and who have experienced your pain. It doesn't get easier, does it. It never does. The pain may not be as sharp, but it never goes away. You are a wonderful mommy, Chelsae. Know that you are loved and that your journey is not alone. Myself and others are here to hold your hand and carry you when you need it. Sending you and your sweet girls all the love we can. hugs.....
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
Chelsea, Jen led me to your site. I am so sorry, so broken for your losses. I had one daughter who passed and here you are dealing with the loss of two darlings. It's a long road, this grieving is, but I know you already know that. I will be praying that Jesus will give you the peace that passeth all understanding. You have my support and love. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteHi I somehow got to your blog through babycenter. First, I am sorry for your losses. I had an ectopic pregnancy my first pregnancy (which I know is nothing anywhere remotely close to what you have experienced). I then had a 24 weeker preemie who stayed hospitalized for 8 months. It was the toughest thing my husband and I have ever gone through. At first I began to question God about all of this (I am a born again believer), but then as I listened to teachings and got into the Word, I realized there was no reason for me to question God, because He was not responsible for what happened at all. He actually had nothing to do with it. Then I started learning about what God has already provided for us and the authority we have as believers. Authority over Satan and his attacks. As people we are naturally suseptible to having hard times, but we can be victorious in each and every situation. Sometimes things happen because of natural causes, sometimes it's the result of sin (when people live in sin, it can open the door for bad things to happen), and then there's Satan. It is Satan that comes to steal, kill, and destroy. God did not take my baby that go stuck in my fallopian tube, that was just something that happened, and I'm the one who LET it happen. I was scared out of my mind when I started bleeding early in my pregnancy, I was on the internet searching for causes, worrying about my hcg numbers. Begging God to stop the bleeding, but that was ALL WRONG! I should have taken authority over the complications I was having and used the name of Jesus to stop the bleeding. And commanded everything in my body to be healed and healthy. I should have taken the authority that God has given to us, his children. The Word says that we are the body of Christ, meaning God and Jesus cannot do anything on their own, it's done through the body, it's us (the believers) who have been given the authority to make things line up with God's word. This revelation has been astounding to me. When my daughter was born early, doctors told us she was going to pass away, but this was around the time when I started getting this revelation of the power that we had within us. WE rebuked every negative dianosis and really sought out using our faith in the situation. Everyone asks me if I'm afraid to have another baby, well no, I'm not, because my next baby is going to be a full term baby. In the name of Jesus, I have claimed it, and commanded it. My body must line up with what the Word of God says. WE have to use the authoritty of Christ and realize that everything we need is already done, when Jesus died on the cross, he died for all sicknesses, that includes babies. That means we do not have to accept anyting less than healthy, whole babies. But it's up to us, we have to fight for what Jesus has done. I want to encourage you to know that you will have a healthy baby because the Word of God says so. The Lord says that we can have the desires of our hearts, so you claim that healthy baby, you speak positive about your next baby, claim in faith that the baby will be healthy, get into the Word and find teachings and scriptures that line up with this. There is no reason why you shouldn't have a healthy, full term baby because it is your right as a child of God to have that if that's what you want. Hope this isn't too weird, but I really wanted to encourage you. Some teachings that have really helped me are some by Andrew Wommack (awmi.net). The book "you've already got it" would be a great one for you to read. Just wanted to send some words of encouragement. Here is my email if you ever wanted to chat: regina.moffett@yahoo.com. God bless you!!!
ReplyDeleteI have to say i am very impressed with the way you efficiently blog and your posts are so informative. You have really have managed to catch the attention of many it seems keep it up!
ReplyDeleteTrebinje apartman