Sunday, September 4, 2011


Head spinning a hundred miles per minute, body feeling like its being pulled in every known direction. What do you do when you feel like this? Like at any moment you could shatter into a million pieces. It seems as if my brain has imploded and all that's left is a shadow of what was. My days are filled with me aimlessly walking about, forgetting simple things. To eat, take a shower, grab my car keys, turn off the stove, etc. I find myself driving in the wrong direction to the store, and once I get there it takes all effort to remember why I went there in the first place. Oh and don't even get me started on my not so graceful accomplishment of running into racks, shelves, and anything else in my path.

Grief has it's way of doing this to me. Every morning I wake up and step onto this cloud. A cloud that covers my face, keeping me from seeing my path clearly. It seeps into my head fogging all my thoughts, making it impossible to carry out a conversation. In addition to my hazy days, my heart aches with this deep longing for my sweet Evie loves. A piece of me is missing that I can not get back, I will never get back. It seem as though all day long my soul is searching for something I can't have, but I desperately want. I WANT HER. How do I even begin to imagine what tomorrow will be like without her, better yet years from now. So many dreams I have to let go of. No middle of the night feedings, no first words, no first foods, no first bike ride or swim lessons, no first day of school, no first driving lesson, no watching her dad give her away at her wedding. All this I have to let go of and yet she was with me for just the blink of an eye.

“When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, LORD, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple.

“Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the LORD.’”

-Jonah 2:7-9

And he is who I will cling to in these moments and all the days to come. How could I get through this barren waste land of death and grief without him? All salvation comes from him, what more do I need! I am lost, alone, heartbroken and weary but yet he is here to save me. To rescue me from my emotions destroying my inner being. I lift my eyes up and call to the one true God for my help comes only from him. Oh God, save me.


  1. My heart breaks for you Chelsea but I love and appreciate that you are writing about your experience.


  2. 12 years ago my beautiful Anneka Marie was stillborn. My heart aches to read of your fresh raw grief. It seems like such pain, such absolutely unbearable unimaginable pain should leave a person marked. I used to go about my days much as you described, forgetful, confused, shattered....wondering always the same thing-how? HOW? How would I live without my girl? And who would ever remember her with me? Who will say her name? And how ever would I manage a week, month, year...lifetime without her? I wish I could protect all the mothers of the world from such pain, all the families from loss that leaves a hole that is never quite filled and yet God is so there. So loving, so tender even in the deep dark woods of grief.
    I am sorry for your pain. Sorry your 2 beautiful daughters are not here with you.
    I am just a stranger who stumbled across this blog and compelled to let you know that although we have never met, spoke, seen each other-you are in my prayers my sister in loss. You will find steadiness. Your will not drown in this and though the landscape of your life has been altered you will see beauty again. HE has promised.

  3. That is such a sweet precious photo of your daughter. I am so sorry that both your baby girls are not with. Sometimes life is just so unfair. I wish you peace on this journey. xx

  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I found your blog on faces of loss, faces of hope. I lost my daughter, Lily Katherine on March 16, 2010. She was stillborn. I am 22, so a young mom too. I'd love to have you follow along on my blog as well:

  5. and I will always remember your daughter around her birthday, as mine is august 12

  6. I in ability agree!! Afterwards all I will be subscribing to your augment and I ability you abode again soon!
    wholesale Jewelry

  7. I was very encouraged to find this site. I wanted to thank you for this special read. I definitely savored every little bit of it and I have bookmarked you to check out new stuff you post.
    dome camera outdoor in bhubaneswar