Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Birth story of Evelyn Juliet











I have been wanting to write this for a long time. But as I'm sure some of you may know, writing the birth story of an angel can be quite the task. So many things you want to say and express. So much you want people to feel and understand. All needing to be wrapped into a pretty box of words tied with love. I'll do my best to make this birth story worthy of an angel.



Evelyn Juliet was to be my rainbow baby. You see we lost a little girl this past October at 23 weeks. My sweet Lainey Grace. Three months after loosing Lainey I discovered I was pregnant. Oh the joy and instant fear I felt. Regardless I praised God while sitting on that bathroom floor, tears streaming down my face, staring at those two pink lines. God answered my prayers. He gave me the chance to start over, the chance to be a mommy again. Weeks went by and everyday I worried. I prayed God would let me keep my baby, let me bring my miracle home. As I passed my 23wk mark I breathed a sigh of relief. I thought "This is really going to happen!". I started getting excited. Ordered a Girasol Amitola wrap for my rainbow baby. A rainbow wrap for my rainbow baby. What is more perfect than that?? I began looking at cloth diapers and even ordered my first newborn fitted! It was finally starting to set in. Soon I would be co sleeping with my baby, waking up every few hours to breastfeed, make baby food in a few months. My excitement was welling up inside me. My life was to be joyous and complete!












My joy came crashing down ever so quickly I'm afraid. I'm not sure when my angel stopped moving. I'm guessing Monday morning August 8th 2011. I knew something was wrong but denial can be such a strong emotion. Tuesday morning I told Erik we needed to head to my midwife. It was like deja vu all over again. The drive to my midwife, the nervous wait in the waiting room, the silent search for a heartbeat and then the dreaded ultrasound. "I'm sorry Chelsea but it looks like we aren't seeing anything". My world burst into flames right at that moment. No, this can't be. I cant do this again, I just can't! But it was happening and I couldn't stop it.



We headed home to find a babysitter and pack our bags. At that point there were no tears. Just pure numbness. After a few hours we were headed to the hospital. When we got there they hooked me up to the monitor to see my contractions. I was already having a few mild ones off and on. They inserted some cervadil and I was given sleeping medication to ease my troubled mind. Now to sleep and wait. The next morning I woke up and the cervadil was removed. All was the same. No dilating, no intense contractions. So they started me on cytotec. A dose every 6hours. Time ticked by, slowly but yet fast all at once. Contractions started to pick up but I was still fairly comfortable. Friends and family began calling but my heart couldn't bare conversations. I did have a wonderful friend come visit me. She was such a blessing. She brought me a huge bag of organic produce, two outfits for the baby (we were team green and didn't know what we were having) three different size cloth diapers, a hand print box/frame, my newborn diaper I had ordered, and more. I don't believe I will ever be able to express to Emily the joy she brought to me in that hospital. Such small things meant so much and left an unmeasurable imprint on my heart. The sweet words she spoke over me and the love and comfort of her presence. Of God's presence. I will never forget it. Emily also contacted a friend of hers to come be our photographer. Oh Mary Anne. What can I say about her that haven't already said. She was beyond amazing. Mary Anne practically acted as my doula, making sure my request were fulfilled by the nurses and taking care of my needs. She was also very much like a mother. She read scripture to me, laughed with me and also brought me a beautiful bathing suit top and angel wings necklace that I cherish with all my heart. I could feel God's spirit in that room with us. He held my husband and I as we wept and kept us close to his heart. Without him I wouldn't of had the strength to go threw it all. My pastor came and prayed with us as well. He gave Erik the shirt off his back (literally). We hadn't planned on the possibility of being there more than one night so my husband had been wearing the same clothes for two days straight.











































The nurses continued to give me cytotec. At around the 4th dose they decided to up my dose by giving it to me every 4 hours as opposed to every 6 hours. My midwife also broke my water in hopes of getting a kick start with labor. After my water was broke they brought in the birthing tub and began to fill it up. By then my contractions were becoming rather painful. I waddled over to the tub and got in. It felt oh so nice. I was filled with joy and sadness all at once. Finally I was able to have my beautiful waterbirth but sadly not under the circumstances I had imagined. After 3 contractions my angel was born at 3:05 pm on 08.11.11 weighing 2lbs 13 oz and was 15 1/2 in long. The nurses immediately wanted to know the gender of the baby. I said "A boy....oh wait, no, a girl! A GIRL!! Evelyn Juliet" At that place and time I burst into tears. Why God? Why take another princess from me? Don't I get to be a mommy to a little girl on earth? Don't I get to dress her in pink dresses with bows and ribbons in her hair? Why is this happening? I stared at her for hours. She was breathtaking. Beautiful beyond words. We gave her a bath and I put her small yellow preemie happy heiney diaper on. I then wrapped her onto my chest and closed my eyes. I began praying for God to help me, to give me strength during this time as I was so broken and weak. Erik wanted to hold her so I took her off and dressed her in the cutest outfit. He held her for hours, staring at her, kissing her, telling her he loved her. We prayed over her and told her we loved her so much and I made sure to give her at least 3 kisses before she left my arms. I wish I would have given her more. We said goodbye and they took her away. After that we began packing and getting ready for the journey home. Every day since then has been a struggle for me. All I can do now is lift my sorrow and pain to God and have faith he will heal all wounds. I know my sweet Evie loves is in heaven with her sister, playing and being surrounded by love. I miss her look forward to the day I can hold her again.





















27 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your story and the pics of your time with Evelyn. I think you are so brave and have been so open with your emotions since losing both of your sweet baby girls. My heart aches for you ((hugs))

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  2. what a beautiful little sweet pea. it is just so unfair. I am so, so sorry for your losses.

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  3. I am so profoundly sorry for your loss. I too have lost two daughters. I know you're pain and where you are emotionally. Please let me know if you need anything. Thank you for sharing your story. Eveyln was beautiful. If you need any resources, I've just started a site. Again, feel free to contact me at any time. You are in my thoughts and prayers Chelsea.

    http://astillheart.com/

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  4. Thank you for sharing your story! Its odd, but reading the stories of other moms who have been through similar journeys helps my healing, and I feel less alone in the world. I too have lost a little girl, Alivia Marie (Nov. 2010)

    What an amazing gentle birth you were able to have, love that she was able to come so peacefully into the world. She is (yes, I say is because you will always remember her that way) a beautiful little girl <3 sending prayers to your family, love and hugs!

    My friend has a site she has started with resources and things for grieving families if you need it. http://astillheart.com/

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  5. My heart goes out to you in your grief. My prayers are with your family.

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  6. she is so beautiful. so horribly sorry for your losses. nothing can take away the pain of losing not one, but two babes...but the one thing that kept me going through my own grief journey was the hope that one day I would hold a live baby in my arms for more than just moments... blessings to your little family. may you find the peace that your heart needs as your journal through this process.

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  7. Oh, she is SO beautiful. A treasure. ♥ I'm so sorry she was only in your arms for but a moment.

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  8. What a gorgeous little girl. I'm so sorry she didn't get to stay here on earth with you.

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  9. Wow, my heart goes out to you and your husband. As I sat crying reading your journey this morning, I just want to send you love. I don’t know what it is like to lose a child and I am ashamed to say that the 3 children I have I take for granted for every day after reading this. I will pray for you families healing every day and pray that one day you will have the blessing of a princess. Thank you to you and your husband for sharing this. God bless Amanda H.

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  10. I thank God for you Chelsea. Your willingness to share your story not only touched my life but has impacted me to live a more faithful life for Jesus. You are an amazing mother. I have much to learn from you. I'm several years older than you but age obviously has nothing to do with maturity and obedience to God. Thank you for sharing you heart. For opening a very private part of your life to so many. It took great courage and I not only praise God for your bravery but I "needed" it. From someone who lives so far away from you let me tell you how instrumental you have been to me today. I wish so bad I could hug you and hold you as you continue to walk through this journey of life. I may be a stranger in this world but in the family of God we're sisters. I have to tell you that even without knowing you personally that I love you and am so grateful to God for creating such an extraordinary woman. God Bless you Chelsea. God bless you and comfort you today, tomorrow and always. Please feel free to reach out for a cyber hug anytime you need one. I'm here. - Natasha

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  11. After losing my own sweet Brynna May I met a lot of other parents with angel babies. Sharing her story and pictures preserves her memory and keeps her here with you always. Treasure her pictures and her memory and know that she is safe and loved and waiting for you.

    ...I'm sure my Brynna May was there to meet her and show her around with all the other little princesses that left our arms too soon.

    -Alyssa

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  12. She is beautiful. A beautiful little girl with such a sweet little mouth. I'm so so sorry.
    I am keeping you close in my prayers and in my heart.


    love,
    ebe

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  13. I found your story through Faces of Loss. I am Truly sorry for you loss of your Beautiful Rainbow baby <3 Many many prayer to you and your family. She is beautiful by the way.

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  14. My heart is so broken for you. I experienced a loss well into my 2nd trimester, and it was the most horrible experience of my life. That was in 2005, and I still feel so raw with emotion over it (even being blessed with two children now). Your daughter is absolutely beautiful. I can't stop my tears.... You will absolutely be in my prayers. I found you through Faces of Loss. I have a crazy blog, and have not yet had the courage to write about my loss 6 years ago. You are so strong, and this is one of the most beautiful posts I've ever read. Thinking about you. <3

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  15. I have tears streaming down my face after reading this....not only for the sadness of your loss, but also at the amazingness of your faith. God bless you and keep you as you move forward....My heart to yours.
    Stephanie

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  16. I remember reading this a while ago and now have found it again after you posted sweet Evelyn's photo in a photo contest. You are truly amazing and I really hope you win. Evelyn is gorgeous.

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  17. i am so sorry for your losses. you are so amazing. god has given you immeasurable grace to get through this and you will do it. sending you hugs....xoxo

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  18. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I read your story. As a mother of two daughters I can not even begin to imagine what you went, and still are, going through. You are so strong and you are truly an inspiration to other Mother's. Thank you for sharing this. Little Evie is so, SO beautiful and I know she is up in heaven along with little Lainey and they are looking down and smiling. God Bless You and your husband.

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  19. I saw your beautiful Evie in the photo contest. Thank you for sharing your story. You are an inspiration and beacon of hope to all of us. You are a shining light in the world. I admire your strong faith even when it is tested. I love the strength of a woman. Strong and soft all at the same time.

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  20. Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. My name is Maria and my daughter Ashley was still born in 2004.

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  21. Amazing story thank you so much for sharing. Evie is so beautiful and precious, and all the photos are breathtaking.

    I lost my son Cooper on April 5,2011 at 37 weeks. Your pictures make me wish we would of called the photographer sooner.
    Hugs and prayers being sent your way.

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  22. Thinking of and praying for you today.

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  23. Thank you for sharing your story. I have two daughters one living and one I only new when I held and kissed her perfect lifeless body. Kyra was stillborn 2/24/2008. We miss her everyday. She has a little sister now who is 15mos. She is our rainbow baby. Our everything. Even in our joy and happiness we still mourn our first born. Our perfect little angel. Your so brave to share your story.
    Thank you
    Heather

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  24. Everytime I see your profile picture on BBC or FB my heart aches for you. I am crying while writing this because I can not imagine the pain and void in your heart. I am so sorry Chelsea and yet your strength amazes me... -Rana

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  25. You are such an amazing woman. God truly could not have chosen a more wonderful mother for your children. Thanks so much for sharing your story, I'm sure you have touched a great number of people.

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  26. Evelyn Juliet was absolutely beautiful. Like her mama<3

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  27. Thank you for sharing your story of your two angel girls. How precious are the pictures of the three of you. Mary Anne did a good job of capturing lifetime memories in print. I see today is Evie's 1 year homecoming celebration...I pray for you and yours today.

    Blessings...
    Char

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